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Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, They, Them, and even you weird trans-species identifying folks.
We regret to inform you that the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) has officially terminated its partnership with the UFC, citing an inability to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement on drug testing for none other than Conor "the Chemistry Set" McGregor. It appears that the Notorious has more secrets hiding beneath those designer suits than even his most fervent fans could imagine. But fear not dear readers, for we have all the gory details on this scandalous split.
USADA, the organization responsible for maintaining the integrity of mixed martial arts by ensuring fighters stay as drug-free as a Amish society surrounded by K9 cops. Has struggled to contain their disbelief at the might of McGregor's breaking bad - fucked up alchemy style of returning to MMA .
The animosity began when USADA introduced the daring notion of acquiring a urine sample. Naturally McGregor, a man known for his patience and reasoning. He demanded that USADA respect his right to fight the urine collection staff, suggesting they "pry the piss out of me then, come and take it!" while waving his arms about in true Notorious fashion.
Dana White tried to save the day in a bid to appease the Irish phenom. Dana with all of his genius genuineness convinced USADA to a compromise with the Irishman. If Conor could sneak into Khabib Nurmagomedov's home and scare the piss out of him, USADA might accept the urine sample.
Conor tried but Khabib merely chuckled and gave him a big hug, rubbed em' on the noggin and said "You found location." before tucking the young chemistry obsessed mad scientist down for a nap via rear naked choke.
It seems that USADA's attempt to exorcise the "steroid spirits" within Conor's system proved a futile endeavor.
In a final desperate gambit, USADA proposed that they would turn a blind eye to McGregor's performance-enhancing tendencies if he agreed to sing "Danny Boy" in the octagon after each fight. Much to their dismay, McGregor declined.
Alas, negotiations reached an impasse, leading to this unceremonious breakup between USADA and the UFC. McGregor meanwhile, has taken to Instagram to proudly proclaim, "I don't need USADA. I run on a steady diet of juice and sauce!"
In conclusion dear readers, the case of Conor "the Chemistry Set" McGregor and USADA's withdrawal will surely go down in history as one of the sport's most peculiar episodes.
It's influence will be historic, monumental for the sport of MMA. No longer must we concern ourselves with the limits of natural athletes. We can see the world of combat sports be pushed to extremes. How much steroids does it take to raise injury or perhaps even mortality rates in the UFC?
We can only wonder if McGregor's upcoming bout will be as empowering as his newfound freedom from the tyranny of urine cups. From our home to yours, with love - Fight.TV